Tuesday, November 13, 2007

GERBER BABY FOOD

(Dated Jan.28th 2007)

Gerber baby food letter

https://www.gerber.com/contactus dated 01/27/07

Dear sick sick people!

im writing you in hopes to stop the intolerable cruelties that YOU are responsible for. Ive seen advertisements for too long asking people to submit there children to be Gerber babies. Who is the individual who ground the 1st baby into that nasty-paste. Have we learned nothing from FOOT AND MOUTH disease ? If we feed our human babies other babies were no better then the machines (the ones that grind them into gerber food) We are living in an age where we should feel safe for the well being of our children. How do millions and millions of people do this daily and still feel like good people when watching the 5 o'clock news ??? BABY MURDERS the whole lot of them!

Anthony Morris

CEO of CAUT INC.

P.S. I do really enjoy your product! I just think eating babies should be a choice
made by a responsible adult, and not forced onto you from the time of birth.

SECRET DEODERANT

(Dated Jan.27th 2007)

Business proposal for marketing manager of Secret deodorant

YOU MAY NOTICE IN THIS LETTER IVE CHANGE IM CLOSING FROM "Complaining About Uesless Things INC." to "CAUT INC." IM HOPING BY DOING THIS THEY MAY TAKE MY LETTER A LITTLE MORE SERIOUSLY AND "CAUT" WORKS OUT ESPECIALLY WELL FOR THIS LETTER IN PARTICULAR!

www.secret.com

Im writing you in referance to the slogan "Strong enough for a man, made for a woman" now im planning a proposal to launch a new campaign. I would very much appreciate being able to use this. with this as a patented phrase well known to be attanched your your Secret Brand deodorant would there have to be royalties paid for the usage? I still havent presented my campaign idea yet, awaiting a response before from you 1st.

To fill you in on exactly what you would be lending your slogan to i'll fill you in a little bit. I have an opportunity to present through our judicial system a new anti jail rape campaign in all male facilities. Im thinking "Storng enough for a man, made for a woman" is the exact slogan for this, i mean they'll all get a good laugh but still get the message the penis is a sexual reproductive organ meant for the opposite sex, not for physically forced activity on your fellow man.

If you could please respond ASAP i have to get to work on the minor details still left.

Anthony Morris
CEO of CAUT Inc.

WORLD VISION

(Dated Jan.24th 2007)

***THIS LETTER WAS BY FAR,WITHOUT A DOUBT A HUGE SUCCESS!!! I NEVER DID RECEIVE A RESPONSE LETTER...BUT I DID EARN MYSELF OVER 500 HATE EMAILS FROM READERS WHO HAD A PROBLEM WITH IT...HAHA CHALK THAT ONE ONTO POINTS FOR ME...TOTAL SCORE: ME. 500pts REST OF SOCIETY. eat my dick, i thought the letter was funny but you've combine accomplished more than me so, say 501pts***

World Hunger Solution letter

To: www.worldvision.com

mailed to Info@worldvision.org

World Vision!

The work you do is most admirable! Work with multiple organizations throughout the world to put a stop to hunger.What could be more a more respectable thing? I have recently been putting some thought into the work you do and think ive been able to come up with a simple, highly effective solution if we are only able to get this ball rolling! Now culturally this may not be widely accepted at the moment,but mind you beggars cant be choosers. I think its time you contact the SPCA and other simular organizations. Every day Nationwide there are Dogs and Cats being youthinized! Now dont you think it would be great to feed these animals to starving people ? In some Eastern countries these can be served as delicacies and in North America were wasting it? I think its time we all look at the bigger picture and kill 2 birds with one stone (not that i approve of killing birds with rocks) we can fix our growning animal problem as well as our starving people problem by combining forces. Canabalism is a little more controversial of a solution, but it would probably (literally) cut the starvation problem in half as well...Just a little "food for thought".

Anthony Morris
CEO of Complaining About Useless Things INC.

ZARA CLOTHING

(Dated Jan.22nd 2007)


zara clothing letter

http://www.zara.com/i06/index.html

(For the record this is a made up situation hahahaha)

Well heres the current situation...As far as your clothing goes i happen to be a big fan.They look great, feel great, and have a long life.So i'll start with a thank you. So "thank you".My problem is with how hard it is to un-do the button on your Womens Jeans. Its been quite the task on several occasions, a race if you will, to get my girlfriends pants off before i lose my erection( i have poor circulation in my corpus cavernosa ) Now am i doomed to a life long battle of the jeans ? im writing you in hopes you can make a more easily accessable pair of pants (Velcro?) so people all over the world with simular difficulties can enjoy the animalistic plessures of sex too!

Anthony Morris
CEO of Complaining about useless things INC.

ROYALE TOILET PAPER

(Dated Jan.21st 2007)


Royale toilet paper letter

http://www.royale.ca/tlk_main.asp

I believe every family has a person preferance as to what toilet paper they use.My whole life ive used your Royale kitten soft brand, but it only got me so far...i began thinking where did the referance "kitten soft" come from ??? I mean wipping your ass with a fluffy kitten isnt as plesant as it sounds, trust me on this one. First off they make ALOT of noise, and secondly good luck getting away without a scratch (no pun intended) Isnt there any kind of laws against animal testing ? Is there no justice in the world ? FREE OUR KITTENS! why should they suffer while you fatcats make money?(again no pun intended)do you think in cat world they wipe the asses with people ??? no! they lick them clean! as should we me friends...as should we...

Anthony Morris

CEO of Complaining About Useless Things INC.

RADIO RESUME

(Dated Jan.15th 2007)

***This is a great one as well, just due to the great lengths i went for a response. Some of my Previous Letters had gotten me onto a major radio show. As the live show went on it was asked why i write these. I told the co-host Nira i want her Job, this letter was written after i got off the Air. Now the attention these got me was incredible, my blog was now getting thousands of daily readers...which worked well for me... When "BOSS CHRIS" failed to respond after a week, i posted the letter including this heading***

THAT LINK IS DIRECTLY TO HIS PERSONAL EMAIL ANYONE WHO WANTS ME TO GET A RESPONSE SEND HIM A MESSAGE TELLING HIM TO GET BACK TO ME!!! I WROTE HIM A WEEK AGO AND HE STILL HAS SAID NOTHING


Well hello there Chris Meyer!

I'm hoping this is addressed to the correct person. I have written a few letters to random places in the last 2-3 weeks and have been posting them as a blog on my myspace. I was able to get Kid Carson to take a look last night. I awake this morning to my cell phone ringing off the hook with 15 missed calls by 830. Well what a wonderful way to wake up! My letters being read and discussed on the Air. I called in and was put on the air without any kind of wait, and the discussion led to WHAT the purpose of these letters is. There really is no point other than the entertainment of myself. I am informally applying for a job to be on the show with Kid Carson, it came up in discussing (on Air) that i want Nira's job and we'll turn it into the man show in the mornings.She asked how i'd do it, to which i replied "write a letter of course." I have an extensive resumee that i will send if your interested. To catch your attention heres a few examples:

1. I can run really fast
2. I can almost dunk a basketball (ALMOST)
3. I once caught a humming bird with my bare hands
4. I sponsor a child though Christians Childrens Fund
5. I'm quick with words, and quite witty in banter
7. I can count to like a billion

HUH ? hows that sound ? If not i understand, im pretty sure the United Nations should be responding about a job annnnnnyyyyy day now.

Anthony Morris
CEO of Complaining about useless things INC.

P.S. if you could pass this message on to Kid Carson and Nira that would be great and i'll keep a possition open in the United Nations for you if you fail at running a Radio station.

***************************RESPONSE**********************************
***6 days with nothing, but when i posted the letter anyhow, with his personal email i received this the next morning***

Hi Anthony, I'd admire your enthusiasm! At this time we're not looking... but keep in touch! you never know! Usually we require a background in the biz so if you're really interested you should consider a b'casting school.

Chris M.

***pretty weak, but that aside the was something that made it all worth it, i received an additional email from a woman who works as his assistant i believe it was? I hd tried to find it prior to transfering these over, as it was sent to my Myspace Inbox, but to no avail...the just of it was how i made everyones day by pissing Chris off with over 400 emails from random people telling him to reply***

FEBREEZE ADDICTION

(Dated Jan.14th 2007)

LETTER TO ADDICTION HELP 01/14/07

Info@AddictionAndAlcoholChoices.com

My name is Anthony Morris...and i have an addiction. Well APPARENTLY i have one. i don't seem to find in to be a problem, but if i'm writing you then i'm beginning to question it myself. My roommate approached me in this last week, almost an intervention if you will. I am Highly addicted to "Febreeze". This is not a joke, i go through a bottle a day just spraying on on a cloth and smelling it! I didnt see anything wrong with it, its a much better alternative to regular air with all its smells and such...but its now starting to become a problem in my work place, i work in an office and others around me are having a problem with it. My boss had me in his office Friday afternoon to discuss this but i cant really find a way to stop...This may sound like an odd request but do you have anything, informations, alternative substance, SOMETHING that can help me ??? i will include my email address in hopes of a speedy response.

Shabaz_01@hotmail.com

Anthony Morris
CEO of Complaining About Useless Things INC.